


Reality

by The_Meridian_Complex



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Medical, No sex in first chapter, Sad, Scars, Self-Harm, care, safe sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-25 07:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2613443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Meridian_Complex/pseuds/The_Meridian_Complex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reality. The sharpness of it, the salty sweet taste and heavy weight when it falls on your shoulders. It’s all we have even known.<br/>Welcome to Night-Vale</p><p>***Maybe some triggers for self harm</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 10 Dates and Fresh Scars

**Author's Note:**

> So I am not usually one for fluffy, sweet stories but this one just starts out this way.  
> In later chapters there will be sex and some back story on Cecil but for now its just pretty tame.

Reality. The sharpness of it, the salty sweet taste and heavy weight when it falls on your shoulders. It’s all I have even known.

It the weeks, months, years, time, leading up to his first meeting with Carlos, Cecil had been sinking deeper and deeper into a hole, to be sure an invisible one, but it was more visible to him than those invisible pits they had in the playground at Night Vale elementary.   
This hole was the kind that festers in a person’s mind, slowly making them a shell and then simply bone. Cecil never talked of the pit even though, as a man of the radio he talked about everything, there was just too much shame in it, too much blame and criticism and hatred, to much feeling for Cecil to ever speak of.  
He blamed himself for being weak, for not being able to share his mind with the other hims who had taken up residence within his head, he felt guilty for being sad and afraid and angry because he had the perfect live, the perfect job, he lived in the perfect little desert community and was even a popular choice for best screecher at the monthly moon howling but in truth that was all a different him for the real him was now pushed down so deep Cecil wasn't sure if he even existed anymore.

This was all before he met Carlos, after, it all changed.   
Of course he didn't KNOW Carlos; he had merely seen him once or twice around town and once or twice while hiding in one of Carlos’ shrubs outside his house. He knew virtually nothing about Carlos but he did know that he finally found someone who he would be willing to show his terrible secret to.

It took almost six months before Carlos ever officially met Cecil and Cecil was not sure what kind of impression he had made on this beautiful man, it kept him up for nights afterwards. To Carlos Cecil was simply put, strange, I mean he looked fairly normal by Night Vale standards but in his eyes there was a cocktail of feelings and fears and stars that intrigued Carlos but to his surprise didn't scare him, he liked the kid, he really did but he couldn't help but think that he was much more broken than he looked.

It was at least another year before they went on their first date, it was good, amazing even, it left Cecil giddy in a frightfully familiar way and it only served to deepen Carlos’ intrigue and maybe, just maybe ignite something even more in his beating heart and sweating brow, he left Cecil at his front doorstep with a kiss and a promise of time to come. Cecil felt amazing that night, but he also felt worried.   
What if Carlos couldn't handle the truth about who Cecil really was, what if the scars that Cecil carefully hid frightened or discussed or even worse sparked pity in Carlos, could he continue to hide his secrets? No, not likely.

It was the 5th date before Cecil let Carlos into his house, he had cleaned it and opened all the usually shut curtains and tried to make the house look a bit less like a black whole than usual, Carlos did notice that the house had felt sorrow and had cried with Cecil many times before.   
It was the 7th date before Cecil let Carlos do anything more than put his arm around him and maybe give him a kiss, that night they had stayed home at Carlos’, rented a movie and Cecil finally let Carlos cuddle him, just a bit, Carlos could not help but notice that Cecil had flinched slightly and looked ashamed as Carlos had put his arm around Cecil’s waste, he wondered often now what his lover was so ashamed about but from day one he had known there was something up with the kid and from their first date he had known he loved Cecil no matter what.  
It was the 9th date before they talked about sex. Cecil was shy and embarrassed but Carlos remained calm and sincere as he promised they would not do anything Cecil wasn't comfortable with. Despite his embarrassment Carlos pressed Cecil to tell him beforehand what boundaries he would like to set, and while for the most part Cecil was willing to have Carlos set most of the perimeters with his agreement he startled Carlos when he said quickly and quietly while looking at the ground, “Please, can we do this at your place.” Carlos readily agreed and once the talk was done Carlos promised to pick Cecil up the next night for their 10th and most important date.

Carlos had always prided himself on being and extraordinary lover. He was always sure to set boundaries before anything started and more than that he seemed to have the ability to read someone’s needs by the touch of their skin, to meld the world of the reality and the world of something else together and bind flesh to flesh. He knew without Cecil telling him that Cecil was shy nervous, self-conscious and though Carlos didn't know why he did know that Cecil was ashamed of himself, all of himself.

When Carlos picked him up from his dark house he could see Cecil visibly shaking, he was jumpy and flinched just a bit when Carlos reached over to kiss him on the cheek.  
Once they arrived at his house, Carlos led Cecil upstairs, his bedroom was full of candle light and the bed was covered in pillows and soft blankets, they sat down and began to kiss while Carlos began to slowly unbutton Cecil’s shirt and threw it off the bed as he reached for Cecil’s undershirt and started to tug it off, there Cecil stopped him, looking mortified and nearly in tears, “Could we um.. Do this with the lights off please?” Carlos was surprised once more for they had agreed to have the lights on, something that Carlos new was important for a trusting relationship  
“Babe what is it? Look you don’t have to be ashamed of anything, I care about you and nothing under your shirt will change that.” Cecil wiped tears from his eyes before nodding and saying   
“Ok lights on but can I just keep my shirt on for a minute longer?”  
“Sure.”

They both took of their pants leaving boxers still on and Carlos took off his shirt before they laid down on the bed, Cecil carefully tracing Carlos’ chest as Carlos stroked his hair and waited for Cecil to calm a bit in the back of his mind wondering if anything would even happen tonight and worrying just a bit, just a bit more about Cecil.  
After nearly half an hour Cecil finally sat up and said   
“Ok I’m ready, just Carlos? Please don’t be upset.” Carlos made a confused sound but it all made sense once Cecil took off his long sleeved undershirt revealing scars old and new that covered his arms and part of his chest and stomach, a few cuts he could identify as fresh, probably only hours old. He tried not to gasp as he sat up quickly, startling Cecil who quickly began to put back on his shirt, Carlos stopped him, grabbing his wrist and looking at some newer cuts that looked to be infected, Cecil started to cry saying over and over “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” “Shhhhh, don’t worry, baby its OK I’m not angry, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Cecil don’t stop his crying so Carlos rearranges their bodies so that Cecil’s head is on his lap, he begins to whisper comforting words and stroke Cecil’s head to calm him while he desperately tries to calm himself, it all brought back memories of the med school teaching hospital and a certain girl with black curls and a white face who had decided to take her life with a blade to the wrist and had come in almost dead with so many cuts….  
It could have been minutes of years before Cecil finally sat up and dried his eyes and said “I’m fine now… But if we are going to do this than can I please just have my shirt on?”   
Carlos stood up from the bed and began rummaging around in his closet before coming back with a red plastic box and began to look through its contents, he had looked up when Cecil had said he was ready and made him maintain eye contact while he spoke softly say  
“No love, not tonight, not when you’re vulnerable like this that would be me taking advantage of you. Though baby, please do stay the night and let me take care of you, please?” He could see Cecil folding up on himself and putting up his walls at a startling rate, he curled his body up and hid his face before say   
“I’m sorry I ruined this, I know, it’s ugly, it’s terrible. I’m so sorry. You must hate me now, you must be disgusted……..”   
“NO! No, I’m not at all, all that bothers me is that you are hurt and someone needs to look at those cuts and I can, so Cecil, baby you have no reason to be ashamed please trust me and let me care for you just once please.”  
Cecil considered pulling on his shirt and running as far away from the shame and guilt as he could but the way Carlos looked at him, no disgust, no anger and not a trace of pity, yes there was concern, deeply laced into his brown eyes but there was no pity and so with only a moment’s hesitation he let Carlos take his arm and begin to examine the numerous cuts.  
He was stretched out on the bed now, with no shirt or pants or even socks. He simply laid on his back and allowed himself to be flown away by Carlos’ voice as soft as wind, what was not soft was the pain in his arms, yes he was used to it by now but some of those cuts have gotten infected and though he knew that he should do something about them he usually just tried to forget they ever were.

Cecil looked so calm to Carlos, something Carlos was shocked by due to the extent of damage on his body, there where scars on his arms and chest and ankles and legs, some quite deep and some infected, they worried Carlos but more than just the scars, the reasons behind them worried him more, why beautiful, sweet Cecil, why do you cause yourself pain?  
He was trying not to cry himself as he began to take medical supplies out of the red container, bandages, swabs, creams and some antibiotics.   
“Cecil baby? Are you still awake?”   
Yes Cecil was awake, just barely though just enough that Carlos’ voice jolted him up   
“What!?”  
“Shhh lay back down. I was just going to say that we should really go to the hospital to get these looked at darling, some of these are very deep and some are infected and could make you quite sick.” This did serve to bring Cecil completely back, he bolted upright eyes wild with panic   
“No no no no no! I’m sorry Carlos but I can’t, not tonight maybe not ever, I can face that!” the tears begin to leak from his eye, he doesn’t cry, his eyes simply begin to rid themselves of the water they hold back too much. But he can’t CANT go to the hospital.  
Carlos sees the fear in the younger man’s eyes when he mentions the hospital and he hates himself to have put it there but something must be done so he resigns himself to use the supplies he had gotten out just in case, he will work hard to be gentle but Carlos can already see that he has spooked his lover and the Cecil that was calmly laying on the bed moments ago is now curled on his side, trying to hide his face.  
“Cecil! Look at me! You need help and I know you don’t want to go to the hospital but you need medical attention so you have to let me treat you tonight and tomorrow we will deal with the future but for now I need to bandage you cuts.”

It took only an hour or so to examine and treat the worst of Cecil’s injuries but they are both exhausted by the end.  
It was wearing to see Cecil in pain and worse to know that he did this to himself all the time. Carlos tried to be professional without being cold but it left him sad and tired, he had had to give Cecil several injections of antibiotic that must have hurt quite badly but all Cecil did was set his jaw and refuse to look a Carlos. What plagued Carlos still even sometime later as he lay in bed with the younger man was how ashamed Cecil had looked, how he believed that Carlos would hate him, or be repulsed by him. He could not imagine ever hating Cecil, good, sweet Cecil, a man who had trusted him with his darkest secret, dear dear Cecil.  
Trying not to wake the man beside him Carlos turned on his side to look at him, no that hadn't had sex (as soon as he had seen Cecil so upset he had known that tonight was not the night) but he still felt closer to the person lying next to him than if they had, he hopped that he would be able to help Cecil and he hoped that Cecil would trust him enough to do so but for now it was enough to just have him safe and sound beside him.


	2. Before The Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos is lost in thought about how to help his dear Cecil.
> 
> Cecil is lost in sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short I wanted to make sure that I was posting often and sometimes that will mean that the chapters will be short but there will be lots of them!
> 
> This is just Carlos thinking and has no talking in it.   
> The next chapter will have the conversation between Carlos and Cecil.
> 
> Thanks for your views and Kudos!

Cecil had always loved the early morning, sure he did host a radio show at night but the time that he melded best with the world until it began to swallow him into its eternally hunger mouth was just before the sun rose over the dessert planes, when the sky was painted from dark blue to a rosy pink and everything was still cool from darkness and sleep, that was when he felt peace.  
Any normal day he would already be up and about, maybe outside or maybe just a single window open, today however he was still sound asleep, fast asleep, deep, deep down asleep, this morning it was all simply glorious so Carlos left him alone, content to simply watch the man beside him and give thanks that for the moment it was quite and Cecil was at peace.   
It would be a difficult day once he woke up, they had much to talk about and for now Carlos had much to think about.  
Think Carlos did, the memories of the scars and Cecil’s tears still haunted him and more than that the thought that Cecil was in pain, he simply couldn't stand it but what was there to do? Carlos’ mind usually to scientific and logical was stuck in a loop, a loop that said that a loved one was in danger and that it was his responsibility to protect that person. The problem was how was he supposed to protect Cecil from himself? The more he thought about it the more he knew that he could never just sit back idly while his dear Cecil hurt himself but he also knew that Cecil was likely to push his help away no matter how much he needed it.  
Carlos needed a plan, he needed to help Cecil and he needed to make him feel safe so like any good scientist he made a list.  
1\. Talk to Cecil, find out why he hurts himself, when he started and how he is feeling now; analyze later.  
2\. Examine the cuts and scars and see if anything is serious enough to need medical attention.  
3\. Discuss treatment with Cecil: therapy and/or medication make sure Cecil knows that you support him.  
As Carlos reviewed his plan of attack it really only started to dawn on him the scale of what his and Cecil’s relationship was facing, just yesterday it seemed like nothing was wrong with the world but know there was just too much to handle, it was going to be ruff.


	3. To Find the Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big talk has arrived and while it might have broken Carlos' heart it has not broken the relationship, yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff! Its the only thing I can seem to write for the moment.
> 
> I'm not sure when I will bring this story back because it feels a little stale at the moment but I will do my best to write something more for it in the next couple weeks!
> 
> I have some big announcements at the bottom so read on!

Cecil awoke.  
At first he didn’t remember anything, he could only see light and feel nothing, he basked in the not-feeling for a quiet moment before he began to drown in the nothingness. It was almost as though the nothingness was trying to swallow him whole, admittedly something he had wanted in time gone past, it was just that instant that he started to remember everything.   
Now Cecil struggled to escape the nothingness.  
Suddenly he was in a bed, with Carlos bending over him gripping his shoulder as Cecil flailed around. The consciousness was now inexcusably forceful as it all started to come back to Cecil, he stilled and with the thought of last night now fresh in his mind, he began to cry, panicked sobs, he had ruined it with Carlos, it was over and done and Cecil had to escape to somewhere safe so he could lick his wounds.   
Through the tears and desperately trying to scramble out of bed, Cecil didn’t notice Carlos until he put a hand on Cecil’s shoulder, forcing him to lay back down in bed, Cecil, struggled and protested for a moment but eventually laid back down and curled in to the fetal position with his back to Carlos.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“I’m not.” Carlos put his hand on Cecil’s shoulder once again, he could feel the muscles, already tight, bunch as his fingers touched them.  
“Cecil, look at me.” Cecil ignored him for one tense second before turning to look upward at the other man’s face.  
“Cecil, we need to talk about this, it’s not something I will ignore; but Cecil, what are you scared will happen when we do?”  
What was he scared would happen?! He could write a list!  
Instead Cecil slowly sat up to face Carlos, he didn’t, couldn’t look him in the eye so instead he looked at Carlos’ hands, strong and firm, yet delicate, hands that were used to fine machinery and scientific experiments.   
“All…. All I wanted was for you to like me, and you won’t like me when you know me.”  
Carlos sighed and reached his hand out Cecil, tilting his chin up and looking straight into his eyes, calm for Cecil, wild on the inside.  
“Don’t worry, please. Nothing could make me stop liking you know.” He hugged Cecil, hard and strong and with all the love he knew Cecil deserved but couldn’t really feel.  
“We still have to talk about this but let me make some coffee first. Stay here I will be back in a minute.”  
Carlos left. Cecil simply looked after him, feeling dazed and apprehensive of what Carlos would say.  
He slowly got up, walked around the room and tried his best to not panic, he was way over his head and the worst part was he really liked Carlos and he knew this is what would ruin it.   
Footsteps coming from the stairs brought Cecil back to his senses so he quickly grabbed his sweatshirt and pulled it over his head before jumping back onto the bed a moment before Carlos came in with the coffee.  
Cecil looked almost scared as Carlos walked over and handed him a cup.  
Carlos looked intently at Cecil as he sipped his coffee, he registered the extra shirt and the body language of a hurt animal desperate to not be seen, he also saw a part of Cecil that wanted to be cared for and a part that was embarrassed for wanting such a thing, the conflicting emotions welled up in Cecil until he couldn’t take avoiding Carlos’ searching eyes and instead looked straight into them, begging him not to be angry, or scared or disgusted with him. Begging for love Carlos was desperate to give him, but no matter how much Cecil didn’t want to talk about this problem, talk they would, for Cecil’s own good.”

“Oh Cecil, what’s going on?”  
Cecil turned his face away and said “I’m fine; I just needed to find a way to cope with… everything. It’s not a problem; it’s a solution to my real problem.”  
“And your real problem?”  
There was silence for a long still moment as Cecil, usually so verbal and open, struggled to find the words.  
“Me.”  
Tears started streaming down his face again and Carlos knew it was going too fast and far for Cecil to handle, he took their coffee cups and put them aside and wrapped his arms around Cecil, holding him and speaking softly.  
“We can get through this, I know you are in pain, but I care about you and we will get through this and we will be ok.”  
Cecil let himself be held for a while before he pulled himself away to face Carlos.  
“I know you want to know what is going on so I guess I will tell you.” He paused for a moment to collect himself before going on.  
“I work alone a lot and it gets lonely so I talk to myself all the time when I’m not on air, that is kind of normal I guess, the thing is about two years ago I started to realize that I had trouble getting out of my head, I mean I still talked on air and to other people but I felt like I was only really heard when I talked to myself, I guess I just started pushing everyone else out and, I couldn’t make them understand me so I lived a separate life in my head. The thing is that the life in my head was both good and bad, it was like a war was being fought constantly inside of me and I stopped being able to control my thoughts. Then about a year ago I stopped being able to tell what was in my head and what wasn’t, I wasn’t hallucinating but I couldn’t tell if my feelings and thoughts were real or made up, I had too many different and conflicting thoughts in my head and some of them were horrible. I hate myself for, I don’t know, not controlling my head and I just couldn’t cope, whenever I got upset about something, even outside of myself I just couldn’t handle it all and cutting helped, it gave me focus and made me happy in some ways, I just didn’t stop, I couldn’t.”  
Cecil poured out his soul in one big rush and then stopped waiting a moment before saying.  
“I know I’m crazy and I know I need help, but cutting does help. And I’m really ok for the most part I really am. And Carlos, please don’t be angry with me.”  
Carlos sat there calmly and looked into Cecil’s eyes.  
“It’s ok, I’m not angry, I understand that you are scared and I thank you for your trust in me, I want to help you, the question is will you let me?”  
Cecil started to cry softly again, whispering “I’m fine, I just… Just need some time.”  
“You’re not fine! I saw your cuts and you yourself told me that you needed help and I would be privileged to help you but you have to let me and you have to stop saying your fine because you aren’t and that’s ok.”  
Carlos once again reached his hand forward to Cecil, this time grabbing his wrist.  
“Will you please let me look as your cuts again? Some of them were quite bad and I would like to bandage them again.” Cecil nodded reluctantly.  
“Thank you; please take off your shirt so I can look at all of them.”  
Cecil glanced up once quizzically but complied anyway.  
Some of the cuts were quite deep and Carlos knew that this was much more of a problem than Cecil could ever admit.  
It took almost an hour to patch him up again, including a lot of gauze and tape as well as a couple of stitches in some of the worst cuts.  
After it was all over they simply laid there, not moving or talking (Carlos had given Cecil some medication and Cecil was a bit out of it) it felt good to know that Cecil was going to be ok.  
He was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big Announcements:  
> * I need a beta readers so if someone is interested please comment/message me and I would love some help beta reading.  
> * I would like to start expanding my ff horizons so I'm going to do a series of mini-fics based on suggestion, if you have anything from any random please comment on this fic and I will start the new one within the next couple weeks!
> 
> PLEASE kudos!!! I admit that is largely why I post.


End file.
